The Rodeo Comes to Town


Bob, Special Guest Writer

Bobby Brown, professional lasso user, pulled a chair across UML’s hockey field on Sunday to a crowd of hundreds.

In a rather unorthodox move, Mr. Brown decided to use a long orange and black extension cord measuring twenty-one feet in length and three pounds in weight for the demonstration. After forming the loop of death in front of the crowd, who were at first skeptical of this being possible, he raised and swung it in a circle above his head. Around and around it went. Suddenly, the noose was let loose and it sailed across the sky to a spot beside the chair he was aiming for. After pulling the lasso back into his hands, he repeated the action but to no avail. Finally succumbing to near universal pressure, he put the loop over the chair, walked about ten feet away and pulled, which caused the chair to tilt over and hit the field with a resounding thud. He then dragged it for ten yards. The crowd cheered, having unknowingly witnessed a spectacle.

Mr. Brown’s ability, like Mozart, Pelé or Bobby Fischer’s, was recognized at a young age: he tied his first lasso when he was five and ensnared the family cat, much to his mother’s dismay. By age eight he was evicted and worked full-time in professional rodeos as “The Texan” (he is Oklahoman). Twenty years later, Mr. Brown is going around the world teaching people the lost art of lassoing.

“I love it. It gives me the kind of satisfaction that other jobs can’t provide,” says Mr. Brown. “I’ll lasso till I die. Yeehaw!”

He has inspired many men and women. Lonzo Spiganzo, famous pizza maker, remarks that “Mr. Brown’s loopszas hava inspired my pizza making abilitias!” Rene Poptroplicus, the world-renowned Greek poet known for her particular style, says that “He is a most wonderful man. The coven of my baby’s true birth is dedicated to semolina because of the beautiful way he forms the loops in his hands.” Even the kids find inspiration. John, age twelve, attended the demonstration at UML and said, “I think it’s cool when the circle goes around and around.”

Some did not find what John found and instead stood like forlorn cigar store Indians.

“What use is an extension cord in that discipline?” asked Josie Parker, a current sophomore at the University of Massachusetts Lowell and one of those Indians. “It is far more useful as a means of connecting a smartphone, fan or other electrical device up to a socket that cannot be accessed by traditional means of a short cable. I cannot believe I paid five dollars to see this man. I thought the University was better than this.”

Despite not appealing to everyone in the crowd, Mr. Brown nonetheless persevered and taught the audience how to square dance in the traditional, Texan way (which involved drinking and two cigars) and how to knit. Many people were surprised to find that he could do both at the same time.

Mr. Brown’s next show, titled “Lassoing, Dancing and Knitting,” will be at the Metropolitan Theater in Northbridge, Massachusetts, this Sunday. Prices are yet to be determined.